If you're even alive,

Who are you?
Do you ever think about me, ever wonder what I look like? Ever wonder what I sound like, ever wonder if I'm as worthless as you thought I'd be? 'Cause I'm not. You were too weak, I was born to a fucking weakling. You didn't want me? Why the fuck not? Not good enough for you? Well damn straight I am. Or maybe you regret giving me away. You ever think about finding me, telling me you're sorry? Not that I'd go back to you anyway, fucking slut. Imagine how it felt hearing "I'm not your mother." Fucking imagine it. These jackasses at school try telling me nobody loved me, they say they're lucky they know their moms.

Maybe you wanted what was best for me. Did it ever occur to you that just maybe being here isn't what I need? You could've been everything to me. But you aren't.

And you'll never read this, you'll never ever know me,
But that's not my fault.
For once I'm not the one making the fucking mistakes.

Fuck all this shit. All these bullshit friends, fuck 'em all. They don't give a fuck, not like I do. I ain't good enough for them anymore? Fuck that I'm better than damn near all of 'em & the ones I ain't know they're better, laugh at me kick me when I'm down, man I've gotta get ahold of myself.

So

Hahah. It's been a good year since I've met Mason, our anniversary was today, actually. I didn't see him at Jazz in June like I was supposed to. Speaking of Jazz in June, Mario's there today, with Kallie & Sean. I bet he's thinking of me, probably bad. We got into a fight the other night. He hid things is all I really wanna say.

This is really all just an update. Nothing's really changed. I'm still in love with two people at once, but at least now I can get over it alone.

Alone.
ha.

Morgan & I are falling to pieces, she's ... life just sucks, this year's been shit.

Update;

It's March 26th, 2011.

Mario and I broke up in January. We're still close but I feel like I should update this. We're still best friends. His new girlfriend's a good friend, and I'm trying to keep my spirits up. Kallie and I dont talk much anymore.

My freshman year is almost over. Summer will be good.

Things are so different from my last post. Kinda mindblowing.

who the fuck am i?

Mario Alberto Lopez.

That name, you. You're engraved in my heart, with all of my memories that ever meant anything to me. You're part of my life, a huge part. Getting over you, when I have to, is going to hurt me more than anything. I'm losing hope for the future, with my mother and things, I don't want to leave I dont want to be alone, I don't want to have to through a minute without you. You said we were going to try, no matter what, and it's going to be hard but I'm so glad you and I made these promises. It'll be lonely for us for a while, but just think what it'll be like when we're together again. Keep me in mind, I wont give up if you don't. We have one more month where everything goes okay before everything blows up in my face, so we're going to make it count. I love you more than anything. Olive you, that's where it all started. Back in July. The movies, where I came on to you, where you came back, (does that sound weird?). You kissed my eye, haha. The mall, where I spilled my Mcdonalds, where we kissed on every bench, GET A ROOM, well we got a room, yours. But anyways, best friend, boyfriend. I'm in love. I haven't got a clue what I've got myself into, and I'm afraid, but I believe in us, I'm trying. I never want to have to say goodbye. But truth is, since the very beginning I've known that as much as we mean to each other now we're going to end. And everytime it gets me, it breaks my heart. Just, if you keep your promise I'll keep mine. I wont give up until you do.

Te amo... more than anything. Whatever it was you said last night.

Exactly what I'm feeling.

It's been a while since I've posted something up, but I guess that when you're taken from your mother you never really cared for in the first place and thrown into a whirlwind of family and you're under all these new set of rules and feelings, ones you should feel and ones you shouldn't, you're a little sidetracked. So I apologize. But I'm back.