Chapter 2012; Page 2 out of 366.

Garrett's coming over for the first time today after his haircut. Hopefully this will fix the hole I feel. I have to do a shit-ton of homework that I forgot to do over break.

Reflection;

I really don't know how to start.

2011 was a big year.
I found friends and lost them, I loved and I lost. That same old shit. I lost a pure best friend, but I made a thousand new ones.

Mario, I still miss your scar on your chin, but Garrett's got a birth mark on his foot. I'm glad you've got someone now, even if it isn't official. I'm glad I got the closure from you that I needed, that last kiss was perfect. Thank you for what our relationship made me, I think maybe a part of me will always love you. But. Just, thanks.

Garrett, I honestly believe I'm on the way to loving you. Happy almost 2 months.

A letter to myself;

This year will be hard. Your grades are going to suffer big time this first semester, but second semester you will be okay. You will lose plenty of friends, but you will earn many more. Hopefully this doesn't happen, but if Garrett ever leaves, remember that eventually, no matter how sad you are or will be, somebody WILL come sweep you off your feet again just like someone did the first time. Please have hope and don't ever quit smiling. Don't cry. Okay, cry. But not for too long, because you are a beautiful person, inside and out. You deserve to be happy just like everyone else seems. If anything gets you down, which it will, you just have to remember that as hard as it seems smiling will make you a better person. Don't rush into things anymore. Let things flow naturally. And please just remember,
That one day, someday, everything will be okay.
I promise.
And as many times as I tell you that I hate you, remember. I will always love you. No matter how many mistake you make, I will love you when nobody else is there for you.

I repeat. I will always love you.

All I wanna do,
Is fall in love with you
<3

If you're even alive,

Who are you?
Do you ever think about me, ever wonder what I look like? Ever wonder what I sound like, ever wonder if I'm as worthless as you thought I'd be? 'Cause I'm not. You were too weak, I was born to a fucking weakling. You didn't want me? Why the fuck not? Not good enough for you? Well damn straight I am. Or maybe you regret giving me away. You ever think about finding me, telling me you're sorry? Not that I'd go back to you anyway, fucking slut. Imagine how it felt hearing "I'm not your mother." Fucking imagine it. These jackasses at school try telling me nobody loved me, they say they're lucky they know their moms.

Maybe you wanted what was best for me. Did it ever occur to you that just maybe being here isn't what I need? You could've been everything to me. But you aren't.

And you'll never read this, you'll never ever know me,
But that's not my fault.
For once I'm not the one making the fucking mistakes.

Fuck all this shit. All these bullshit friends, fuck 'em all. They don't give a fuck, not like I do. I ain't good enough for them anymore? Fuck that I'm better than damn near all of 'em & the ones I ain't know they're better, laugh at me kick me when I'm down, man I've gotta get ahold of myself.

So

Hahah. It's been a good year since I've met Mason, our anniversary was today, actually. I didn't see him at Jazz in June like I was supposed to. Speaking of Jazz in June, Mario's there today, with Kallie & Sean. I bet he's thinking of me, probably bad. We got into a fight the other night. He hid things is all I really wanna say.

This is really all just an update. Nothing's really changed. I'm still in love with two people at once, but at least now I can get over it alone.

Alone.
ha.

Morgan & I are falling to pieces, she's ... life just sucks, this year's been shit.

Update;

It's March 26th, 2011.

Mario and I broke up in January. We're still close but I feel like I should update this. We're still best friends. His new girlfriend's a good friend, and I'm trying to keep my spirits up. Kallie and I dont talk much anymore.

My freshman year is almost over. Summer will be good.

Things are so different from my last post. Kinda mindblowing.