I bet Kallie thinks she's a lucky girl. Like a little over a month ago we were doing the same thing, only the rain was real.
I've decided to throw your stuff out tomorrow morning, as soon as my mom leaves. I feel terrible keeping you locked up in my room, and I think it's time to grow up.

I miss you so much. But, I'll be okay. I promise.
If you care, that is.

June 25.

‎"dude we gotta go, i just hit on some girl's boyfriend and her friends aren't happy about it."


Ahahaha.. Two months and five days later, so many things have happened that have changed me thanks to that girl's boyfriend. I've changed so much in such a little time. It was a sad summer, but I'm stronger now. I think part of me still feels kind of condemned in a certain part of my mind. I tell myself I'm over Chris, and onto Mason. I don't think I've ever convinced myself of something I wasn't sure of quite like that before. It wasn't a step up, an upgrade though, I know. I've been lying to myself.

I'm not over Chris.
I still cry when the bus pulls past Pioneer. I still see us walking down the road holding hands.. I still... I'm holding on. I haven't quite told myself to let go just yet. I don't feel strong enough yet. It's like everything in my past has taken so much energy from me that I have to build it back up again. Just to tear it down. And then one mindset kicks into gear, do I really want to destroy my energy just yet? Or should I save it, should something worse happen?

I keep their stuff in the same shoe box under my bed. Chris's bracelet, and his pants. I actually thought about wearing the shoelaces around those pants as a belt for mine today, but I couldn't see me opening the box. I have Mason's necklace, I still wear it time to time, but not since I put it in the shoebox, and his shirt that Chris gave me.

Do I regret it? Yes.
Do I want to relive it? Of course I do.

These memories still burn fresh in my mind late at night. I still hurt like no other, I swear. i still...

damn.

ahaha, someone new? (: maybe.
i don't wanna jinx it though, but i probably already have..

if i

had one chance, i'd go back in time for just a little bit. i'd tell you i was sick, so that you wouldn't have your aunt drive you to the library. so that i wouldn't walk over the hill and when i saw that little white car my heart wouldn't beat uncontrollably, so that my mind wouldn't rush, "is that him? i sure hope that's him." so that i didn't have to see you step out of the car, sleeves torn off your shirt. you never zip your zipper. but i'd lie about being sick, of course. you wouldn't be at the library, but i would be. i'd be walking around right where we had our first kiss, right where we were half naked in that room, in your bed. i would be walking where we sat in my old school's playground with that little boy. in the grass, pulling it from the ground. i wonder where your monster can is right now. i would be walking around the football field, around the swings you pushed me in. i'd sit in the bench we kissed in at the library. i'd walk behind the library, i'd let it rain on my face, let my makeup fall off my face without you to get it off. i would walk down the streets we did, but instead i wouldn't be holding your hand in the pouring rain. you said mason would get pissed if he found out, then why'd you tell him so easily? i was a prize, but for a second, a day, a few hours, i was yours. you weren't thinking about her. sometimes, in my mind, at night, i hear "no, no, no." and i see your grin. you have me exactly where you want me and you don't even care to stick around to notice.


kaylee said you said i hate you.
just so you know, i don't.
i just miss you so much that it hurts.

7/9

last time his number shows up.


it's been nearly exactly a month since i last talked to chris. things have been fine, except for when things come to mason. i made the same mistake, i pulled a stupid stunt, i let him know too much and now he's sure i'm crazy. bet. i said something way too honest. you know, sometimes i wish i could just take jazz in june back.

monday is tomorrow, it's my second day of high school. 'make it count'
night.

friday

was the first day of high school.
and i'm like, woah.

w b o e r s t
summer
ever.

ugh

you're really getting on my fucking nerves.

nose piercing.

is in :D
hahahahha.
and now i have to sneeze.
fml.