June 25.

‎"dude we gotta go, i just hit on some girl's boyfriend and her friends aren't happy about it."


Ahahaha.. Two months and five days later, so many things have happened that have changed me thanks to that girl's boyfriend. I've changed so much in such a little time. It was a sad summer, but I'm stronger now. I think part of me still feels kind of condemned in a certain part of my mind. I tell myself I'm over Chris, and onto Mason. I don't think I've ever convinced myself of something I wasn't sure of quite like that before. It wasn't a step up, an upgrade though, I know. I've been lying to myself.

I'm not over Chris.
I still cry when the bus pulls past Pioneer. I still see us walking down the road holding hands.. I still... I'm holding on. I haven't quite told myself to let go just yet. I don't feel strong enough yet. It's like everything in my past has taken so much energy from me that I have to build it back up again. Just to tear it down. And then one mindset kicks into gear, do I really want to destroy my energy just yet? Or should I save it, should something worse happen?

I keep their stuff in the same shoe box under my bed. Chris's bracelet, and his pants. I actually thought about wearing the shoelaces around those pants as a belt for mine today, but I couldn't see me opening the box. I have Mason's necklace, I still wear it time to time, but not since I put it in the shoebox, and his shirt that Chris gave me.

Do I regret it? Yes.
Do I want to relive it? Of course I do.

These memories still burn fresh in my mind late at night. I still hurt like no other, I swear. i still...