I

talked to Chris last night. I'm keeping his clothes, but now I feel like he needs something to remind him of me. I feel very dramatic with him, but I'm still going to wait until it all ends. He said I wouldn't be waiting for nothing.

Right now, I'm washing his clothes so I can wear them again. But you know what sucks? As much as I want to remember July fourth 2010, it's not going to hold on to me, it's going to stay in it's place for the rest of eternity and I'm moving on, walking away involuntary. I don't want that memory to fade away.

But you know what's good? No one will ever have that memory but me and Chris.


July fourth, 2013, will he think of me?
Holy shit, that's three years later.

This all seems unreal.

July fourth.

He stepped out of the car, smiled and said, "say we're going to your house." his aunt believed it. we started walking down the road, and we stopped in the pioneer playground. we played on the swing, he sort of pushed me. it was cute. and then i ran to the playground after telling him how much i missed this place. he followed, "you're crazy." and we sat there, i was on the blue thing, it spinned. he was sitting down next to me, monster in his hand. i took a drink, he took a drink, i took a drink and then i saw a wasp and then it started to rain a little. so we got under the big blue thing that looked like a jellyfish. we talked, we just talked. and then we went quiet, and then right there. at my old fifth grade school, four years later i got my first kiss with a beautiful boy named chris. at this point im (still) wearing his bracelet (today). he stood up and i did too, i came up behind him and kissed him again. i did a flip and he didn't help me down. we climbed on the big blue toy, he on one side me on the other. soon he scooted over to be closer to me. then a little boy came up, a scar on his chest from heart surgery and asked if we wanted some firecrackers. we played along. we kissed in -oh man - the basketball court. i remember how i'd asked brody out so many times in that very same place. who'd know i'd be kissing someone better four years later in that exact place? but the little boy asked if we were dating, and chris stayed quiet. i had to answer, "not quite." he chuckled and repeated me. after that i kind of walked away, he asked me where i was going and he said, "where are you going?" "over here." he followed me, so did the little boy. chris sat down beside me. the little boy stood up. me and chris just kissed in front of him lol. pretty soon me and chris just got up and left, we kissed in the opening of the big field. we went to the library, after that. sat on the bench and kissed.



i really cant go on. let's just say i'm hurt.

i dont wanna be alone.

it's been two hours since he said he'd call back later. /:
i don't like waiting. so why'd i say i would.
maybe it's just proof that he'll be good for me.

oh no.

Tonight has been the best night of my life. Better than New Years 09, better than Jazz in June. Better than October 2008. Better than anything. And I don't know how it made it, because I cried all night. All night. He said, "I like everything about you. I'm not even kidding." *sniffle* He said, "Are you saying you'll wait for me?" "yes." "Really? I don't want to stop you from finding happiness." "If I'm happy enough to wait for how ever long it takes, I'm already too happy."


Oh hell, what am I getting myself into? I won't take it back, I will wait. I want him happy. He already means so much, and I mean so much to him. He trusts me with things, and it's only been a week. We don't believe it, but we believe in ourselves.

As long as I'm happy, right?

hey chris,

you're cuuuute(:

You've never spoken with more truth.

Dont treat me like I'm playing a game because I dont wanna lose baby I dont wanna risk it all,
For you.

I just

wanna be sure that someone cares.



So, I've had a hell of a week. Good week. Mason and Chris are pretty much the only two males on my mind right now.
I finished reading Burned.
I've stopped talking to Chaz, he's not going to keep his part of the pact.

Everything basically means shit right now.


I'm expecting a call from Chris/Mason tonight. I still don't know who I like more.