summer pride.

summer pride may ruin all my plans for volleyball.
fuck.

amazing day.

i've made some good friends,
and i need a blog.

i think i'm getting better at volleyball. (:
I saw some old friends today(:

volleyball

is so much fun, even though I sucked. Best day I've had in a long time.

it all just reminds me of before i had him.

no, actually, it doesn't. because i don't even remember before i had him.

late night convos with people i love.

Courtney
Kelseyyyyyy.......

Me
What's been wrong?

Courtney
What?

Me
Myspace. You are single? You aren't typing happily. TELL ME WHATS WRONG WITH THE WORLD RIGHT NOW

Courtney
Dusty and I broke up.. Again. Go figure. I'm pissed off. I'm not happy at all. I want to die. Die. DIE.

Me
There's really no point in life.
We breathe, we die.
Why are we here?
Life is a gift, right?
A gift for who?
I certainly won't like this gift when I'm dead, will I?

Courtney
For fucksake no. I hate it here! Ugh, Everyone just dies. Life is pain. Nothing but.

Me
Little things make happy. But happiness is only temporary. We make process just to watch it fall into square one again. In my personal beliefs, we do NOT go to heaven. When we die, it's like a dreamless sleep, we just sleep until the worms eat us and we decompose and become part of the earth.

Courtney
I feel you. Dude, We all just are little fucking Slaves. Soon to rot in the ground and pay so much money wehn we are in debt for everything possible. We spend workless hours eating sleeping pissing shitting, and for what NOTHING.

Me
Dreaming, falling in love, memories. We feel all this pain, and we get NOTHING. We have the short end of the stick. Nothing good comes from living. We all die. We're living in a cycle. It's honestly POINTLESS. Do you read me, Courtney. We're all pointless.

Courtney
I know. Dude, Kelsey, Everyone needs to commit suicide.
POINTLESS.

Me
"Love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again."

Courtney
Exactly.

Me
Slipknot. Mmm.
Happiness, is not eternal.
Life, no matter what they say, is not eternal.

Courtney
Nothing is. We all have no meaning. We're like the devels voodoo dolls.

Me
Or vice versa. God's voodoo dolls.
Do you know how fucked up that would be?

Courtney
Very. People are always getting tugged around.
The most fucked up thing...
We have wars against our own kind.
Laws we live by that get broken
People starving while others have houses and money to support their oved ones
Everyone Is Just Horrid.


I couldn't agree more.

saturday.

now, saturdays are usually party days.
not for little old me.

i'm not complaining, i did all of it voluntarily.
and ended up getting a ds in return, that i didn't ask for.

i took all the staples out of my walls,
i cleaned.
i sorted out my spare room.
i didn't find what i wanted.
):

now i feel like redoing my room a little, so i think i will.
this is where i give you goodnight, goodnight.

nicotine rush

first cigarette in a week dudeeeee,
i hope it never ends,

a little bit about me.

This may be a little bit late, and I may be exceeding the amount of blogs I should post a day, but here goes;
I find it necessary to write a little bit of closely and exclusively detailed information about me.

1) I'm fourteen. I'll be fifteen in October.
2) I will be starting High School in a small Oklahoman town come late August.
3) I've been in love only twice. Neither would've lasted.
4) I like to sing, but I won't be pursuing a career anytime soon.
5) I am adopted.
6) I have two brothers, one whom I've never met.
7) My grandfather died when I was three, and I was there when he did.
8) My grandmother died the day before my eighth birthday.
9) I have little respect for my father.
10) I have no respect for my step-mother.
11) I'd love to have a good relationship with my little brother Garret, but that won't happen until he's old enough to make his own choices.
12) I do enjoy cigarettes. I don't smoke often though.
13) I fall victim to deep thinking too often.
14) I <3 Blink 182. Haha.
15) There is no ethnicity on my birth certificate, possibly because I am adopted.
16) I wonder if you can get high off of perfume.
17) And if stoves can light cigarettes.
18) If you're wondering if I've done weed, I have.
19) I have a gap, but it's cute haha.
20) I'm a virgin.
21) Infact, I've never even made out.
22) I don't get out often.
23) I'm a strong believer in Scientology mixed with Agnosticism, as seen below.
24) Easy mac is gooooood.
25) I have no cell phone anymore. Mom won't win, though.
26) I never give up until I've outgrown what I want.

More later, thx for reading.

to see is to believe.

Over the past couple of months, I've been trying my hardest to resolve my confusion of religion, as well as what religion I follow.
Now, my journey to find and truly comprehend, is over for now.

Even as a little girl, I'd never paid much attention to God, as my Mom is not a church-goer.
When I was younger, I'd gone to a daycare owned by a family of hardcore Christians.
And when I went there, I continuously shrugged all the talk about God (they own a church in town) away from my head and continued playing Mario brothers on the Nintendo box.
When they read stories relating to Jesus Christ, I'd just listen. I'd take it in, but I wouldn't let it hit me because, even though I was a toddler, it all seemed a bit too much.
Like, really now? Take Adam and Eve as an example - Two people just show up on Earth out of nowhere completely naked and find themselves in a magical tropical land, with talking snakes and bad apples. How realistic.
Or, maybe. Jesus was just magically planted in Mary's womb, and then died and then came back to life. That does not sound at all like what we're living as. And, if it is true, I thought God didn't play favorites or have a hand in nepotism.

I'm sorry if I sound a little mockingly, I just find it hard to believe.
I am the type of person who needs physical evidence.
To see is to believe.

I've always been skeptical, if I didn't already clear that up with you. I've been skeptical of nearly everything that I never could see.
I didn't believe in spirits and souls for a while back a few years ago. And even though I believe in souls and spirits, does not equal as my beliefs on God. Let me clear that up right now.
But I ended up feeling a strong hand on spirits. I believe in fortune tellers.
But with my skepticism, I'm still open to seeing proof. I have my doubts, that he could have been here, and that he could not have been here.

But remember, the way my beliefs are centered could have been impacted by the way I had no strong religionists teaching me. Sure, it is true about my daycare. And my aunt and older cousin (on my dad's side) are both very connected to their Christian church, Calvary. But they've never really spent their time teaching me. I've gone to church before, but for shallow reasons. I take most of what Adam says as bullshit. Even though I would like to believe, I can't find the physical proof that there is, or was ever, a God.

It's hard to say, I have no idea how to put this into words. Everything can go both ways for me right now, but sometimes things can go much farther than others.

But anyways, my beliefs, I've summarized, are trapped right in the middle of Scientology and Agnosticism.
Scientology because I'm very strong minded about evolution and bacteria and things of that kind. Not that I completely believe in evolution, but think about it. We had to come from somewhere, and I say we, if we came from any type of evolutionary business or prototype, came from bacteria.

Agnosticism because the definition for agnostic is -a person who believes that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God or of anything beyond material phenomena; a person who claims neither faith nor disbelief in God. According to Apple mac anyways. And if it takes a little of encouragement by definitions and research of agnosticism, so be it. I was convinced that I was a doubtful believer by google, apple mac, and other internet research.

I may have not explained myself or belief correctly to make you understand, but I have it all figured out and the other reason I can't make you understand is because it is extremely hard for me to put things this complicated into proper wording.

Now, just because I may have a different belief than you does not make me a bad person. I'd like you to understand that I am no different than you.

I like to play games, sports, and I like myspace (myspace.com/suckmydeeeick) and facebook.
I am physically attracted to boys, and girls are very nice. I'm friendly, and I'm strong minded.
I'm not a bad person just because I'm a little opinionated.

Thank you for your time, that is all I have to say.

i'm deprived.

World sucks.
So, I have no phone. Haven't had one for more than 8 months.
Oh why? Because I went to meet my then boyfriend at the mall. With two friends and Kayla's dad.
IN OCTOBER OF 2009.
I'm not allowed over at my neighbor's, because there was a party near his house.
NEAR. OH MY FUCKING GOD NEAR.
I'm not allowed at Devynn's because I didn't call for two days.
THE POINT OF LEAVING FOR THE WEEKEND IS NOT BEING IN CONTACT WITH HER, at least it is for me.
I'm not allowed to go anywhere else because she hasn't met my friends.
Well, tell me something. How are you supposed to meet them if you won't even give me the chance to introduce.
I'm not even allowed outside. Not to jog.

I have no life, just like her. She's making me a shut in.
I will not be a shut in.
She's making it so I'm unhappy just like her.
I will be happy.
I just won't fuck up.
I hope she's lived a damn good life, cause it's over for her.
The only pure enjoyment she gets is watching someone else suffer like her.
And that's going to end. Very soon.

I think I'm just gunna start coming home, without saying a word, go straight to my room.
And then when she tries to talk just give her one worded answers.
At least until she confronts me about it, so I can tell her she's literally mentally fucked up.
She's the damn prostitute.
I'm not pregnant.
So there.
I win.

this is...

the journey to the center of the earth.

No, actually.
It's not.
It's the journey
Of a lifetime.
Literally.

I'm not looking,
But I'm catching up.
I'm learning,
And I'm leaving behind what I should leave behind.

I'm making a new.
I'm starting fresh.
But at the same time,
Everything can go both
ways.

I'll always remember,
Always.
No matter how much I wish I couldn't.
No matter how much I
Would sacrifice physical pain just to feel happy.

Yes, I'm talking about
Memory loss.
Insane memory loss.

I'm on a journey;
I'm finding who I am,
What my beliefs are.
I'm finding my emotions,
What my passion is.
I'm changing.

I'm getting away from the 15 years I knew nothing.
Away from the times I stumbled around,
Every single first I ever had, I'm getting away from the pain that followed.

I've got an out.

Are you jealous of me?

i'm not over you.

"yeah, he's a looker, but i really think it's guts that matter most."

I swear to you, that this is the one time those lyrics actually touch me.
I'm relating, and I don't know whether to say that it feels... okay, or that it feels terrible.
Either way, it thrills me. So much that I try to feel like this nearly every day.

And sometimes, it just hits me.
I'm just sitting there, minding my own business, and then it hits me.
And then everything gets so complicated; I start to over-think and then, I'm trapped.
I feel memories in my veins, and I feel sorrow, but I smile. It's bittersweet.

And I know I'm not the only one.
And that makes me wish that I was,
If I could find one thing that makes me different, I'd be at my all time best.

But my feelings vary with the song I listen to.
Even if it's a song I haven't heard in a while, or one that I'm embarrassed to be caught listening to,
It still hits me like a rock.
No, not a rock.
A big, fat, ugly firetruck-colored, brick.

21.

So, this macaroni and cheese tastes nasty. That is the last time I trust my mother with Velveeta. 

Today, I went to my fifth hour.

And then my fourth.

And then third.

And then lunch, where Isaiah ate my dollar.

And then seventh hour.

And then eighth.

And then first.

Today, was a bore.

I can't wait until High School.

High School, mmm. Again,

Can't wait.