who the fuck am i?

Mario Alberto Lopez.

That name, you. You're engraved in my heart, with all of my memories that ever meant anything to me. You're part of my life, a huge part. Getting over you, when I have to, is going to hurt me more than anything. I'm losing hope for the future, with my mother and things, I don't want to leave I dont want to be alone, I don't want to have to through a minute without you. You said we were going to try, no matter what, and it's going to be hard but I'm so glad you and I made these promises. It'll be lonely for us for a while, but just think what it'll be like when we're together again. Keep me in mind, I wont give up if you don't. We have one more month where everything goes okay before everything blows up in my face, so we're going to make it count. I love you more than anything. Olive you, that's where it all started. Back in July. The movies, where I came on to you, where you came back, (does that sound weird?). You kissed my eye, haha. The mall, where I spilled my Mcdonalds, where we kissed on every bench, GET A ROOM, well we got a room, yours. But anyways, best friend, boyfriend. I'm in love. I haven't got a clue what I've got myself into, and I'm afraid, but I believe in us, I'm trying. I never want to have to say goodbye. But truth is, since the very beginning I've known that as much as we mean to each other now we're going to end. And everytime it gets me, it breaks my heart. Just, if you keep your promise I'll keep mine. I wont give up until you do.

Te amo... more than anything. Whatever it was you said last night.

Exactly what I'm feeling.

It's been a while since I've posted something up, but I guess that when you're taken from your mother you never really cared for in the first place and thrown into a whirlwind of family and you're under all these new set of rules and feelings, ones you should feel and ones you shouldn't, you're a little sidetracked. So I apologize. But I'm back.

kfgnjkerjkghlkreg

:) 9 18 10 :D

here, in your arms.

the death of me.

i'm perfectly fine being second best.

Best Friend Photos :)

i'd outline the darkness if asked by you.

I'm the kind of girl that laughs at her mistakes, so pardon me if I laugh in your face.

Haha, I like it.

Lance is supposed to upload our photos soon.

(:

kkk.
lance came over today.
i miss him so much.
we took pictures and everything.
<3 miss you boy, it's good to see you again.

you.

reasons i should:

1) you're cute.
2) you're funny.
3) when you want, you say the sweetest things.
4) you give me butterflies.
5) your eyes.
6) your hair.
7) your height.
8) i'm afraid i wouldn't be able to get over you.

reasons i shouldn't:

1) you're not cuter than your friends.
2) you're a dick most of the time.
3) you act different around your friends.
4) you act gay.
5) you ignore me sometimes.
6) you seem more interested in getting some than being in something with me.
7) you came to me after she dumped you, like i was a last resort. like second best.
8) we fight.
9) you flirt with a bunch of girls.
10) we'll never be the same.
11) it's hard to know what makes you happy.
12) you're too easy to annoy.

i should've gotten with you when i still had a chance.
i hate to say it but i did this to see who'd win.
i don't like the outcome.
goodbye.

It

Just hit me, we'll never be the same. I don't know why I'm still trying. I mean I miss you and I believe you when you say you miss me, but some things just don't work.

"you can say that you don't miss me, i think about you everyday."

and, for once in my life,

i feel nothing at all.
and i think that's pretty sad.

So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?

All the time, all the time.

ahah

i know i look funny but that's okay. for maddie

I bet Kallie thinks she's a lucky girl. Like a little over a month ago we were doing the same thing, only the rain was real.
I've decided to throw your stuff out tomorrow morning, as soon as my mom leaves. I feel terrible keeping you locked up in my room, and I think it's time to grow up.

I miss you so much. But, I'll be okay. I promise.
If you care, that is.

June 25.

‎"dude we gotta go, i just hit on some girl's boyfriend and her friends aren't happy about it."


Ahahaha.. Two months and five days later, so many things have happened that have changed me thanks to that girl's boyfriend. I've changed so much in such a little time. It was a sad summer, but I'm stronger now. I think part of me still feels kind of condemned in a certain part of my mind. I tell myself I'm over Chris, and onto Mason. I don't think I've ever convinced myself of something I wasn't sure of quite like that before. It wasn't a step up, an upgrade though, I know. I've been lying to myself.

I'm not over Chris.
I still cry when the bus pulls past Pioneer. I still see us walking down the road holding hands.. I still... I'm holding on. I haven't quite told myself to let go just yet. I don't feel strong enough yet. It's like everything in my past has taken so much energy from me that I have to build it back up again. Just to tear it down. And then one mindset kicks into gear, do I really want to destroy my energy just yet? Or should I save it, should something worse happen?

I keep their stuff in the same shoe box under my bed. Chris's bracelet, and his pants. I actually thought about wearing the shoelaces around those pants as a belt for mine today, but I couldn't see me opening the box. I have Mason's necklace, I still wear it time to time, but not since I put it in the shoebox, and his shirt that Chris gave me.

Do I regret it? Yes.
Do I want to relive it? Of course I do.

These memories still burn fresh in my mind late at night. I still hurt like no other, I swear. i still...

damn.

ahaha, someone new? (: maybe.
i don't wanna jinx it though, but i probably already have..

if i

had one chance, i'd go back in time for just a little bit. i'd tell you i was sick, so that you wouldn't have your aunt drive you to the library. so that i wouldn't walk over the hill and when i saw that little white car my heart wouldn't beat uncontrollably, so that my mind wouldn't rush, "is that him? i sure hope that's him." so that i didn't have to see you step out of the car, sleeves torn off your shirt. you never zip your zipper. but i'd lie about being sick, of course. you wouldn't be at the library, but i would be. i'd be walking around right where we had our first kiss, right where we were half naked in that room, in your bed. i would be walking where we sat in my old school's playground with that little boy. in the grass, pulling it from the ground. i wonder where your monster can is right now. i would be walking around the football field, around the swings you pushed me in. i'd sit in the bench we kissed in at the library. i'd walk behind the library, i'd let it rain on my face, let my makeup fall off my face without you to get it off. i would walk down the streets we did, but instead i wouldn't be holding your hand in the pouring rain. you said mason would get pissed if he found out, then why'd you tell him so easily? i was a prize, but for a second, a day, a few hours, i was yours. you weren't thinking about her. sometimes, in my mind, at night, i hear "no, no, no." and i see your grin. you have me exactly where you want me and you don't even care to stick around to notice.


kaylee said you said i hate you.
just so you know, i don't.
i just miss you so much that it hurts.

7/9

last time his number shows up.


it's been nearly exactly a month since i last talked to chris. things have been fine, except for when things come to mason. i made the same mistake, i pulled a stupid stunt, i let him know too much and now he's sure i'm crazy. bet. i said something way too honest. you know, sometimes i wish i could just take jazz in june back.

monday is tomorrow, it's my second day of high school. 'make it count'
night.

friday

was the first day of high school.
and i'm like, woah.

w b o e r s t
summer
ever.

ugh

you're really getting on my fucking nerves.

nose piercing.

is in :D
hahahahha.
and now i have to sneeze.
fml.

lyrics for andrea.

Hey darling, I hope you're good tonight
And I know you don't feel right when I'm leaving
Yeah, I want it but no, I don't need it
Tell me something sweet to get me by
'Cause I can't come back home 'til they're singin'

La, la la la, la la la
'Til everyone is singin'

If you can wait 'til I get home
Then I swear to you that we can make this last
(La la la)
If you can wait 'til I get home
Then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in our past
It might be for the best

(girl)
Hey sweetie, I need you here tonight
And I know that you don't wanna be leaving
Yeah, you want it but I can't help it
I just feel complete when you're by my side
But I know you can't come home 'til they're singin'

La, la la la, la la la
'Til everyone is singin'
La, la la la, la la la

If you can wait 'til I get home
Then I swear to you that we can make this last
(La la la)
If you can wait 'til I get home
Then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in our past
It might be for the best

You know you can't give me what I need
And even though you mean so much to me
I can't wait through everything.

(boy)
Is this really happening?
I swear I'll never be happy again
And don't you dare say we can just be friends
I'm not some boy that you can sway
We knew it'd happen eventually

La, la la la, la la la
Now everybody's singin'
La, la la la, la la la
Now everybody's singin'
(If you can wait 'til I get home)
La, la la la, la la la
Now everybody's singin'
(Then I swear we can make this last)
La, la la la, la la la
Now everybody's singin'

If you can wait 'til I get home
Then I swear we can make this last

it's

really the end. i'm through. i can't wait any longer, not on you.

im hommme(:

yuh know what,

i'm not pissed that you used me.
i'm not pissed that you aren't thinking.
i'm not pissed that in a week you're gonna be sorry.

i'm not even pissed.

i'm sad.
i'm sad, why? well, because of you, i'll never be yours.
i'll never get my chance.
i'll never hear, "oh, hey. you're chris' girlfriend."

and i know you love her,
but you could fall in love with me too.

and i'm sorry, baby, but when you finally dump her,
i more than likely won't be there.

you had a chance, and if you'd come to my rescue right now, you would still have one.
but since you're ten miles away and you're not even thinking about me,
well.
we might as well be a dream.

well, here i am. breaking this promise, i won't wait any longer.
i hope that, if you ever read this, you think about..
baby, forget it.
just imagine what we could've been.

morgan's celebrity crush.

seriously.

I

talked to Chris last night. I'm keeping his clothes, but now I feel like he needs something to remind him of me. I feel very dramatic with him, but I'm still going to wait until it all ends. He said I wouldn't be waiting for nothing.

Right now, I'm washing his clothes so I can wear them again. But you know what sucks? As much as I want to remember July fourth 2010, it's not going to hold on to me, it's going to stay in it's place for the rest of eternity and I'm moving on, walking away involuntary. I don't want that memory to fade away.

But you know what's good? No one will ever have that memory but me and Chris.


July fourth, 2013, will he think of me?
Holy shit, that's three years later.

This all seems unreal.

July fourth.

He stepped out of the car, smiled and said, "say we're going to your house." his aunt believed it. we started walking down the road, and we stopped in the pioneer playground. we played on the swing, he sort of pushed me. it was cute. and then i ran to the playground after telling him how much i missed this place. he followed, "you're crazy." and we sat there, i was on the blue thing, it spinned. he was sitting down next to me, monster in his hand. i took a drink, he took a drink, i took a drink and then i saw a wasp and then it started to rain a little. so we got under the big blue thing that looked like a jellyfish. we talked, we just talked. and then we went quiet, and then right there. at my old fifth grade school, four years later i got my first kiss with a beautiful boy named chris. at this point im (still) wearing his bracelet (today). he stood up and i did too, i came up behind him and kissed him again. i did a flip and he didn't help me down. we climbed on the big blue toy, he on one side me on the other. soon he scooted over to be closer to me. then a little boy came up, a scar on his chest from heart surgery and asked if we wanted some firecrackers. we played along. we kissed in -oh man - the basketball court. i remember how i'd asked brody out so many times in that very same place. who'd know i'd be kissing someone better four years later in that exact place? but the little boy asked if we were dating, and chris stayed quiet. i had to answer, "not quite." he chuckled and repeated me. after that i kind of walked away, he asked me where i was going and he said, "where are you going?" "over here." he followed me, so did the little boy. chris sat down beside me. the little boy stood up. me and chris just kissed in front of him lol. pretty soon me and chris just got up and left, we kissed in the opening of the big field. we went to the library, after that. sat on the bench and kissed.



i really cant go on. let's just say i'm hurt.

i dont wanna be alone.

it's been two hours since he said he'd call back later. /:
i don't like waiting. so why'd i say i would.
maybe it's just proof that he'll be good for me.

oh no.

Tonight has been the best night of my life. Better than New Years 09, better than Jazz in June. Better than October 2008. Better than anything. And I don't know how it made it, because I cried all night. All night. He said, "I like everything about you. I'm not even kidding." *sniffle* He said, "Are you saying you'll wait for me?" "yes." "Really? I don't want to stop you from finding happiness." "If I'm happy enough to wait for how ever long it takes, I'm already too happy."


Oh hell, what am I getting myself into? I won't take it back, I will wait. I want him happy. He already means so much, and I mean so much to him. He trusts me with things, and it's only been a week. We don't believe it, but we believe in ourselves.

As long as I'm happy, right?

hey chris,

you're cuuuute(:

You've never spoken with more truth.

Dont treat me like I'm playing a game because I dont wanna lose baby I dont wanna risk it all,
For you.

I just

wanna be sure that someone cares.



So, I've had a hell of a week. Good week. Mason and Chris are pretty much the only two males on my mind right now.
I finished reading Burned.
I've stopped talking to Chaz, he's not going to keep his part of the pact.

Everything basically means shit right now.


I'm expecting a call from Chris/Mason tonight. I still don't know who I like more.

man,

i belong in norman.
i've had a great time this past weekend, and i might just get someone new.

bathroom races

i miss you kid.

A Rocket To The Moon.

I've been thinking all day.
it's been 18 months, and 23 days ago.
so much has changed in those 18 months,
it's mind-blowing.
overwhelming.
impossible.

it's like i'm saying goodbye, watching someone i know i'll miss walk farther and farther away.
it's a feeling of emptiness that makes me wanna cry, but it also amazes me at the same time.
idk.

You're just a phone call away.

Everyday you seem further away.
I do my best to throw my pride aside and apologize, cut myself down a notch.
I know I said some things that hurt but
It took 97 missed calls to finally get over you.


I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm great, I'm empty.
I'm content, apathetic, and I wanna change drastically.
Thing is I can never seem to do that alone.

I want a guy like this:

-I want someone that cares. Like, really cares. Not just the "I care about you," and then new subject type of thing. I want someone to care enough about me to tell me why they care.
-Someone who can make me laugh and someone who isn't always serious, but knows how and when to be.
-Someone comforting. If I mess up, for them to tell me it'll be okay.
-Someone supportive. Self explainable.
-Someone who's not sex crazed, and someone who says I love you only when they mean it.

There are more standards, but I just really thought I'd put that up there for the fun of it. (:

but i still have just one more question on my mind.

chaz and i made up. we made a pact to never fight, and never stop being friends again.


lauren, i love you more than anyone in the world. you are my sunshine, like literally. you're the bright part of my day, when i'm upset i can always go to you. you talk to me and you advise me, no matter how stupid the situation is. you are an amazing person in every single way. you're managing a perfect ten on everything, you've come out of this pain unscarred and beautiful. i only wish i could be someone like you. i love you.

liar.

Yes.
You are exactly that.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=As6PKrsPKQqGwf65iMGRlbLsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100611235315AA2Y0AW

mai puppy(:

you're letting her ruin us.

(: i love you laurennn!

I love you. <3

I'm packing.

For Camp.
First real event of the summer.

This time last year, Kayla and I were still best friends. But oh, do things change.

so

I made a little mistake. I wasn't quite honest. I fibbed, told a little white lie. I panicked, what would you have done? I mean, there's my secret that everyone already knew and now that I knew everyone knew it, it changed so many things. Our friendship, not that I don't want it back, that you ruined too. But you act like you're the only person who's never lied before, you act like you're perfect, you're portraying yourself as the victim. And since everyone's your friend, they believe you. Well yeah, I hope you're happy now. Really. I mean, no. You won't tell me who I can hang out with, you won't tell me who I can't. If you don't care to try to keep our friendship, then you don't have a reason to tell me what to do. But you'd better be happy. You get everything, and I mean everything, you could ever fucking want. But I'm starting to believe you're always going to want more, and that you'll never be happy.

volleyball season!

High school's gunna be great.(:

my weekend.

haha. okay, so like.
thursday, devynn calls me up and is like, 'dude come over. dad's got a pay raise and i'm dubbing it japanese movie night.' so me, being the one girl in the entire universe who's never had a japanese movie night, i ask my mom and waaahla, i'm at devynn's. and we're just chillin for a bit, playing some pokemon. and we're getting all excited about movie night cause it's movie night, and movie night just sounds like a wonderful experience hands down. and so dad's all, "CHILDREN MOVIE NIGHT TIME LETS GO." so we're at the movie place and we're digging through some movies to find japanese movies.

Guess what store in Norman Oklahoma doesn't have any japanese movies? The store we went to. ._.

so we settle for two scary movies, the fourth kind (great movie btw) and some weird movie about a boy named timmy.

and we've already decided japanese movie night was a total fail so we just demoted it to regular movie night.

and so we're diggin into some the fourth kind right? and it's over now, and so we decide to put in the other movie. ITS THE WRONG MOVIE.

instead it was something about kenya. idk. but the weekend was pretty fail.

nsn.

take photographs, take all your memories.
we've got some packing to do,
we've got some packing to do.
and my jaw aches;
repetition.

take your dreams, take all that's left to see.
write it down, sign your name, go ahead and leave.
there's nothing left to lose.

the clouds ripped through the sky like dynamite and to my surprise it was a beautiful sight
with our hands open wide

and i cant hide the truth as well as you
signing 'whoa oh oh oh,' signing 'whoa oh oh oh."

take photographs, take all your memories.
we've got some packing to do,
we've got some packing to do.
and my jaw aches;
repetition.

take your dreams, take all that's left to see.
write it down, sign your name, go ahead and leave.
there's nothing left to lose.

i've got all these dreams, that no one cares to know about
cares to dream about like me.
all these memories haunting me, seeking control...

...

i think i need you,
but i know i've lost you.

5.23.10

Well, it's official. Abe and I are together.(:

Today, I have:

Gained a boyfriend.
Lost a piercing (Infection, took it out, repiercing it when i'm older.)
Smoked my first cigarette in a few weeks with Lance & Lucas.
Been happy, sad, scared, and excited.

Now I just want summer to end so I can start high school.

lip piercing ! :D

after years of admiring people that have them, i am now one of those people. i look amazing.
it looks a little uneven, but that's not anything i can't fix.

i like abe. <3

(:

you've changed so much this past year man. but one thing has stayed the same throughout all of our changes; we were there for each other no matter what, all of eighth grade year. you don't care what they say, you believe me. seventh hour has always been one hour that passes too quickly. we've told each other so many things, i know everything about you and you know everything about me. and you still like to spend time with me. and i know you're dating hannah and it's obvious how jealous she is. i just wish she'd see that we're only best friends. and not the time of best friends you two were. you can both trust me, but yet you're the only one that believes it. you are the most amazing best friend i've had in a while, and i hope that the two of us can be this way again in our first year of high school cause we make damn good memories.
fuck benson, miss you man.

&

it's over.
it's all over.
every little bit.

seventh grade, feels like a dream. like it wasn't even real, it happened so long ago. joey. everyone, it just doesn't seem real. especially joey. i remember, i fell so hard. so fucking hard. and now, a year and a half later, i'm thinking back on it and it doesn't seem like it ever happened. like i never knew a joey idlett. like he never changed my life.

middle school and it's adventures are nothing but the past. i can close the book and read it in my thirties and cry a little. middle school is over. all those memories are finally just little kid memories.

i'm so shocked. everything is over. i can start a new adventure, whilst remembering the old ones that made me grow up.
i've changed since the sixth grade, and now sixth grade feels like it was so long ago. like a thousand years tore me and my old self apart. i'm not the same, im different. and it's all because i grew up in a school that i loved.

and now i'm going on, moving on. things are changing for me. senior year, i probably won't remember any of this. feeling this way. but i know it will have been four years ago, and that just blows my mind.

i guess this blog is weird. what hurts is that joey kid. and how long ago it was that i fell for him, but yet it feels so... so much like yesterday.

but soon, today will be nothing but another yesterday and today, too, will be over. just, like, that.

you are the one,

the one that lies close to me.
whispers, 'hello, i've missed you quite terribly.."

i loove thunder.

Thunder the cat. Which is why I cried hysterically when we couldn't take her to shelter.
Fuck Oklahoma and our bipolar weather system.

So it's okay to hurt me.

It's been a year and a half, Chaz Farris.
And even though I completely am over you in every single way, it still stings a little knowing we aren't even friends.
Actually, we haven't talked since last summer.
Well, you're still a manwhore, no doubt about it.
But that's always been easily adaptive, even when the boy wasn't you.
But when you just shun me off, my last memories of you aren't good at all.
You make me sick.
Sick.

2010!

global fair, was the best. haha.

i have a good life, but i really should fix it.

and in some ways i still think
that if i give you time,
you'll transform
back into what you were so long before,

i can't ask anymore.

i'm not at all what i was,
and i can't hold on any longer.
but i want to show you how,
it feels to know you're getting stronger.

all my hopes are crushed,
but i'm okay with that oh, oh.
as long as i've got my memories i can believe,

but what should i believe?

i'm not at all what i was,
and i can't hold on any longer.
but i want to show you how,

it feels to know you're getting stronger.
[x2]

brace yourself.

i'm always second best.
i'm either, not as pretty, not as funny, not as clingy, not as sexual, not as old, not as thoughtful.
she, was always the one they loved. i was just the sidekick.
i'll always be the sidekick.

i'm just a joke to you.

you and i are so distant now that it doesn't feel the same. missing you doesn't feel like it did before, because now i don't miss you at all.
all i do is get in your way and annoy you. i only cause, and i never clear.
and feeling like i've moved on has completely changed my outlook on life; i want you to know you changed me. you were apart of my story, but only long enough to teach me something valuable. and i guess, that when everything adds up, i'm thankful you haven't stayed any longer than you have.
you might have not known that this would happen anymore than i did, but i guess that's nature.
i was shattered, you broke my conscience and left me alone, but when you did that, you helped me adapt to abandonment.
and i used to call it all your fault, and i apologize. it wasn't your fault. it was just naturally what bestfriends were supposed to do. you left so that i could find someone else, that's what we do; that's just life. and now, thanks to you, i'm that much closer to understanding myself. thanks kayla.

ohemgeez ii have a ziit! ))):

get. fucking. real.
and learn to type! mother fuckin.


DUUUDE!
BRENDONNNN! (:

we're all whores, but some of us get paid.

here we are again.

last year, in april of 2009, i made a pact to myself; over the summer, i'd change.
now, an exact year later, i can honestly say that i have. it took much longer than two months of summer vacation, it took exactly a year, but i did it.

and now, all that's left for me to do is say goodbye to the school i've made so many memories in. the one i spent three years in, just growing up and learning. i'm not a little sixth grader anymore. i'm not a quiet, unconfident person. i'm not afraid to say something anymore. i've changed in these three years. and all the memories i've made here... good and bad, they helped me.

i made it through middle school. and that was a different adventure, a whole other adventure. i'm starting a new one, and within this new adventure, i'm going to make another pact to make another change; recognize my faults for what they are, and if they're really good or bad, and then use them in a way that can help.

i'd need a lot of help, and a lot more time... four years do it? let's hope..

summer pride.

summer pride may ruin all my plans for volleyball.
fuck.

amazing day.

i've made some good friends,
and i need a blog.

i think i'm getting better at volleyball. (:
I saw some old friends today(:

volleyball

is so much fun, even though I sucked. Best day I've had in a long time.

it all just reminds me of before i had him.

no, actually, it doesn't. because i don't even remember before i had him.

late night convos with people i love.

Courtney
Kelseyyyyyy.......

Me
What's been wrong?

Courtney
What?

Me
Myspace. You are single? You aren't typing happily. TELL ME WHATS WRONG WITH THE WORLD RIGHT NOW

Courtney
Dusty and I broke up.. Again. Go figure. I'm pissed off. I'm not happy at all. I want to die. Die. DIE.

Me
There's really no point in life.
We breathe, we die.
Why are we here?
Life is a gift, right?
A gift for who?
I certainly won't like this gift when I'm dead, will I?

Courtney
For fucksake no. I hate it here! Ugh, Everyone just dies. Life is pain. Nothing but.

Me
Little things make happy. But happiness is only temporary. We make process just to watch it fall into square one again. In my personal beliefs, we do NOT go to heaven. When we die, it's like a dreamless sleep, we just sleep until the worms eat us and we decompose and become part of the earth.

Courtney
I feel you. Dude, We all just are little fucking Slaves. Soon to rot in the ground and pay so much money wehn we are in debt for everything possible. We spend workless hours eating sleeping pissing shitting, and for what NOTHING.

Me
Dreaming, falling in love, memories. We feel all this pain, and we get NOTHING. We have the short end of the stick. Nothing good comes from living. We all die. We're living in a cycle. It's honestly POINTLESS. Do you read me, Courtney. We're all pointless.

Courtney
I know. Dude, Kelsey, Everyone needs to commit suicide.
POINTLESS.

Me
"Love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again."

Courtney
Exactly.

Me
Slipknot. Mmm.
Happiness, is not eternal.
Life, no matter what they say, is not eternal.

Courtney
Nothing is. We all have no meaning. We're like the devels voodoo dolls.

Me
Or vice versa. God's voodoo dolls.
Do you know how fucked up that would be?

Courtney
Very. People are always getting tugged around.
The most fucked up thing...
We have wars against our own kind.
Laws we live by that get broken
People starving while others have houses and money to support their oved ones
Everyone Is Just Horrid.


I couldn't agree more.

saturday.

now, saturdays are usually party days.
not for little old me.

i'm not complaining, i did all of it voluntarily.
and ended up getting a ds in return, that i didn't ask for.

i took all the staples out of my walls,
i cleaned.
i sorted out my spare room.
i didn't find what i wanted.
):

now i feel like redoing my room a little, so i think i will.
this is where i give you goodnight, goodnight.

nicotine rush

first cigarette in a week dudeeeee,
i hope it never ends,

a little bit about me.

This may be a little bit late, and I may be exceeding the amount of blogs I should post a day, but here goes;
I find it necessary to write a little bit of closely and exclusively detailed information about me.

1) I'm fourteen. I'll be fifteen in October.
2) I will be starting High School in a small Oklahoman town come late August.
3) I've been in love only twice. Neither would've lasted.
4) I like to sing, but I won't be pursuing a career anytime soon.
5) I am adopted.
6) I have two brothers, one whom I've never met.
7) My grandfather died when I was three, and I was there when he did.
8) My grandmother died the day before my eighth birthday.
9) I have little respect for my father.
10) I have no respect for my step-mother.
11) I'd love to have a good relationship with my little brother Garret, but that won't happen until he's old enough to make his own choices.
12) I do enjoy cigarettes. I don't smoke often though.
13) I fall victim to deep thinking too often.
14) I <3 Blink 182. Haha.
15) There is no ethnicity on my birth certificate, possibly because I am adopted.
16) I wonder if you can get high off of perfume.
17) And if stoves can light cigarettes.
18) If you're wondering if I've done weed, I have.
19) I have a gap, but it's cute haha.
20) I'm a virgin.
21) Infact, I've never even made out.
22) I don't get out often.
23) I'm a strong believer in Scientology mixed with Agnosticism, as seen below.
24) Easy mac is gooooood.
25) I have no cell phone anymore. Mom won't win, though.
26) I never give up until I've outgrown what I want.

More later, thx for reading.

to see is to believe.

Over the past couple of months, I've been trying my hardest to resolve my confusion of religion, as well as what religion I follow.
Now, my journey to find and truly comprehend, is over for now.

Even as a little girl, I'd never paid much attention to God, as my Mom is not a church-goer.
When I was younger, I'd gone to a daycare owned by a family of hardcore Christians.
And when I went there, I continuously shrugged all the talk about God (they own a church in town) away from my head and continued playing Mario brothers on the Nintendo box.
When they read stories relating to Jesus Christ, I'd just listen. I'd take it in, but I wouldn't let it hit me because, even though I was a toddler, it all seemed a bit too much.
Like, really now? Take Adam and Eve as an example - Two people just show up on Earth out of nowhere completely naked and find themselves in a magical tropical land, with talking snakes and bad apples. How realistic.
Or, maybe. Jesus was just magically planted in Mary's womb, and then died and then came back to life. That does not sound at all like what we're living as. And, if it is true, I thought God didn't play favorites or have a hand in nepotism.

I'm sorry if I sound a little mockingly, I just find it hard to believe.
I am the type of person who needs physical evidence.
To see is to believe.

I've always been skeptical, if I didn't already clear that up with you. I've been skeptical of nearly everything that I never could see.
I didn't believe in spirits and souls for a while back a few years ago. And even though I believe in souls and spirits, does not equal as my beliefs on God. Let me clear that up right now.
But I ended up feeling a strong hand on spirits. I believe in fortune tellers.
But with my skepticism, I'm still open to seeing proof. I have my doubts, that he could have been here, and that he could not have been here.

But remember, the way my beliefs are centered could have been impacted by the way I had no strong religionists teaching me. Sure, it is true about my daycare. And my aunt and older cousin (on my dad's side) are both very connected to their Christian church, Calvary. But they've never really spent their time teaching me. I've gone to church before, but for shallow reasons. I take most of what Adam says as bullshit. Even though I would like to believe, I can't find the physical proof that there is, or was ever, a God.

It's hard to say, I have no idea how to put this into words. Everything can go both ways for me right now, but sometimes things can go much farther than others.

But anyways, my beliefs, I've summarized, are trapped right in the middle of Scientology and Agnosticism.
Scientology because I'm very strong minded about evolution and bacteria and things of that kind. Not that I completely believe in evolution, but think about it. We had to come from somewhere, and I say we, if we came from any type of evolutionary business or prototype, came from bacteria.

Agnosticism because the definition for agnostic is -a person who believes that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God or of anything beyond material phenomena; a person who claims neither faith nor disbelief in God. According to Apple mac anyways. And if it takes a little of encouragement by definitions and research of agnosticism, so be it. I was convinced that I was a doubtful believer by google, apple mac, and other internet research.

I may have not explained myself or belief correctly to make you understand, but I have it all figured out and the other reason I can't make you understand is because it is extremely hard for me to put things this complicated into proper wording.

Now, just because I may have a different belief than you does not make me a bad person. I'd like you to understand that I am no different than you.

I like to play games, sports, and I like myspace (myspace.com/suckmydeeeick) and facebook.
I am physically attracted to boys, and girls are very nice. I'm friendly, and I'm strong minded.
I'm not a bad person just because I'm a little opinionated.

Thank you for your time, that is all I have to say.

i'm deprived.

World sucks.
So, I have no phone. Haven't had one for more than 8 months.
Oh why? Because I went to meet my then boyfriend at the mall. With two friends and Kayla's dad.
IN OCTOBER OF 2009.
I'm not allowed over at my neighbor's, because there was a party near his house.
NEAR. OH MY FUCKING GOD NEAR.
I'm not allowed at Devynn's because I didn't call for two days.
THE POINT OF LEAVING FOR THE WEEKEND IS NOT BEING IN CONTACT WITH HER, at least it is for me.
I'm not allowed to go anywhere else because she hasn't met my friends.
Well, tell me something. How are you supposed to meet them if you won't even give me the chance to introduce.
I'm not even allowed outside. Not to jog.

I have no life, just like her. She's making me a shut in.
I will not be a shut in.
She's making it so I'm unhappy just like her.
I will be happy.
I just won't fuck up.
I hope she's lived a damn good life, cause it's over for her.
The only pure enjoyment she gets is watching someone else suffer like her.
And that's going to end. Very soon.

I think I'm just gunna start coming home, without saying a word, go straight to my room.
And then when she tries to talk just give her one worded answers.
At least until she confronts me about it, so I can tell her she's literally mentally fucked up.
She's the damn prostitute.
I'm not pregnant.
So there.
I win.

this is...

the journey to the center of the earth.

No, actually.
It's not.
It's the journey
Of a lifetime.
Literally.

I'm not looking,
But I'm catching up.
I'm learning,
And I'm leaving behind what I should leave behind.

I'm making a new.
I'm starting fresh.
But at the same time,
Everything can go both
ways.

I'll always remember,
Always.
No matter how much I wish I couldn't.
No matter how much I
Would sacrifice physical pain just to feel happy.

Yes, I'm talking about
Memory loss.
Insane memory loss.

I'm on a journey;
I'm finding who I am,
What my beliefs are.
I'm finding my emotions,
What my passion is.
I'm changing.

I'm getting away from the 15 years I knew nothing.
Away from the times I stumbled around,
Every single first I ever had, I'm getting away from the pain that followed.

I've got an out.

Are you jealous of me?

i'm not over you.

"yeah, he's a looker, but i really think it's guts that matter most."

I swear to you, that this is the one time those lyrics actually touch me.
I'm relating, and I don't know whether to say that it feels... okay, or that it feels terrible.
Either way, it thrills me. So much that I try to feel like this nearly every day.

And sometimes, it just hits me.
I'm just sitting there, minding my own business, and then it hits me.
And then everything gets so complicated; I start to over-think and then, I'm trapped.
I feel memories in my veins, and I feel sorrow, but I smile. It's bittersweet.

And I know I'm not the only one.
And that makes me wish that I was,
If I could find one thing that makes me different, I'd be at my all time best.

But my feelings vary with the song I listen to.
Even if it's a song I haven't heard in a while, or one that I'm embarrassed to be caught listening to,
It still hits me like a rock.
No, not a rock.
A big, fat, ugly firetruck-colored, brick.

21.

So, this macaroni and cheese tastes nasty. That is the last time I trust my mother with Velveeta. 

Today, I went to my fifth hour.

And then my fourth.

And then third.

And then lunch, where Isaiah ate my dollar.

And then seventh hour.

And then eighth.

And then first.

Today, was a bore.

I can't wait until High School.

High School, mmm. Again,

Can't wait.